Jokes...!!!

[esm]

since brucepr has stated that INDEXU is experiencing the summer doldrums and thus little activity, I thought maybe we could liven things up until folks return in September.

Having been a pilot in my early life i thought the comments below were hilarious.

UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. So here are some funnies about them.

P=pilot
S=service technician

TELL US YOUR FAVORITE:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in ****pit.
S: Something tightened in ****pit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in ****pit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


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[echo@]

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

[FSGDAG]

ROFL!!!!!! Thanks for the good laughs

[esm]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


Guess who won...???


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[Mitchell]

esm,

I think it is time for a few more jokes, there aren't many new topics on the forum to talk about.

Doesn't anyone got tecnical problems either?

[esm]

esm,

I think it is time for a few more jokes, there aren't many new topics on the forum to talk about.

Doesn't anyone got tecnical problems either?

everyone is on vacation for June, July and August. Maybe September will be more active.


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[esm]

esm,

I think it is time for a few more jokes, there aren't many new topics on the forum to talk about.

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"


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[FSGDAG]

ROFL!!!!!!!! Like that hasn't happened to all of us at one time or another

[Mitchell]

I love teeqeelah, it makes man out of you.

[esm]

I love teeqeelah, it makes man out of you.

And the alligator didn't...???



.

[Mitchell]

And the alligator didn't...???



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Interesting, I was listening to local radio now and they said that one the universities has done some research on alcohol and sex and found out that alcohol makes your sex drive much stronger.

Like we didn't know that already!

... but with a gator!?

[Mitchell]

A man kept dreaming about playing football with mules. He wnet to a doctor and told him that he keeps having dreams about playing football with mules, doctor gave him a medicine and told him to "take this and your dreams will go away", man asked the doctor if he can save them until next day, doctor asked him why and the man responded "because tonight is the finals"

[Mitchell]

esm,

If I am not wrong you were a pilot so you may enjoy this.

One of smalls cities of Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning.

Cities search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that the number will climb as the digging continues into the night.

[esm]

esm,

If I am not wrong since you have been a pilot you may like this one.

Actually, it goes kinda like this:

Plane takes off from New York to Los Angeles. Pilot announces flight is 5 hours long.

Blonde looks out the window and sees Number One engine on fire. Pilot announces that he has shut down Number One engine but not to worry, the plane is still capable of flying to Los Angeles on just three engines but instead of 5 hours, it will take 6 hours. Blonde smiles.

Blonde looks out the window and sees Number Two engine on fire. Pilot announces that he has shut down Number Two engine but not to worry, the plane is still capable of flying to Los Angeles on just two engines but instead of 6 hours, it will take 7 hours. Blonde smiles.

Blonde looks out the window and sees Number Three engine on fire. Pilot announces that he has shut down Number Three engine but not to worry, the plane is still capable of flying to Los Angeles on just one engine but instead of 7 hours, it will take 8 hours. Blonde frowns.

Blonde says to fellow passenger, "If the number four engine goes out, we'll be up here all day...!!!"



PS: Not to worry. I married a blonde and she's still a blonde today. Well, she had a bunch cutoff over the weekend, but what's left is still blonde.


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[esm]

esm,

If I am not wrong you were a pilot so you may enjoy this.

One of smalls cities of Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning.

Cities search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that the number will climb as the digging continues into the night.

Now that is funny...!!!


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